I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
