Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
