physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
