I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize