i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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