Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
