White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
