explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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