im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
