Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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