i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Randomize
