forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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