If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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