Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You have to summon your inner elephant
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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