I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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