i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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