I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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