My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
