I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
