John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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