Apparently you make a good broom.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
