there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
