Your face is a jimmy john
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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