you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
