you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize