i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
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