I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
