She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
