I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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