This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
