You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
