Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
