apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
