Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
