I'm gonna have a badass scar
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Randomize
