using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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