Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
