I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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