I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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