he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
