If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
