just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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