Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
