I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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