You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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