i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
