Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
