We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
