Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
