My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
