yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
