I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i just sent this text using only my big toe
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
