Whatcha textin bout Willis?
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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