I cockslap morals
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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