I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
