I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
