Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
