I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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