I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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