Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Randomize
