My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
